


#BayneIsCanon

by xXScreenSaverXx



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: Bruce Wayne is a Good Parent, Gen, How would I even spellcheck this lmao??, I Don't Even Know, Jason Todd is a little shit, Not Beta Read, POV Outsider, So is Tim, Social Media, Twitter, for like half of it, he blames all his issues on homophobia, he makes bad decisions but we love him, he's trying ok, i made one up anyway, i'm tired ok, is there even a ship name for it??, jason is hella gay, random twitter users, sorry for the tags, sorta crack-ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-30 14:46:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17226011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xXScreenSaverXx/pseuds/xXScreenSaverXx
Summary: Gotham ships Batman and Bruce Wayne. He's not really sure how to feel about it. #trainwreck #bayne #scandal





	#BayneIsCanon

**Author's Note:**

> This is a #distaster. Oh god don't look at me

**Gotham Gazette – Who is the Batman?**

_1,200,341 hits_

**By Vikki Vale**

_[An excerpt from a news article taken from the online front page of the Gotham Gazette, featuring a grainy photograph of Batman leaving the easily recognisable Wayne Manor, obviously taken by phone from a distance]_

Dear readers, friends, and fellow Gothamites – we have, for years, been asking ourselves one question – who is the Batman? A query once thought to have been in vain has once again lent itself to investigation when Batman was spotted leaving the Wayne family manor at 02:30 last night. The house, of course, belonging to our local celebrity, playboy billionaire Bruce Wayne.

The connection is clear. With Batman’s obviously expensive gear, and resources (such as his iconic car) that cannot come cheap, this reporter wonders, just how long have our beloved icons been friends? And, with costs like that, are we sure that their relationship doesn’t run deeper?

_[The article continues on for a few more thousand words, getting more and more analytical. Almost frightening, in its own way]_

 

* * *

 

 

**Victor Baker** _@bake2victory_

So did anyone read @vikkivale ‘s article?? Cause I don’t wanna be the one to point out the obvious buuuuuuutttt…. #itssoobvious

 

**Theresa Davis** _@mothertheresa_

Holy shit is this for real oh my god #itshappening

 

**Julie Richards** _@wtfrichard_

I’m freaking the fuck out guys its here its happening oh my god!!! FANFICTION HASN’T LIED TO ME #canishipit ??

 

**Joanna Lewis** _@bayne4eva_

@wtfrichard I know! Squee! I updated my fic in solidarity! www.archiveofourown/17364927/bayne-hotnheavy-smut-2018 #fanfiction #bayne

 

**Dick Grayson** _@itdbetooeasy_

@bayne4eva I’ve read that one!! :3 #itsgreat #readit

 

**Victor Baker** _@bake2victory_

@wtfrichard @bayne4eva It’s already a thing???

 

**Julie Richards** _@wtfrichard_

@bake2victory HOLY SHIT I CANT BELIVE #BATMAN X @brucewayne IS CANON #everythingisgreat #bruman #bayne

 

**Theresa Davis** _@mothertheresa_

Lmao so are we all just ignoring Dick @itdbetooeasy?? #relatable #mood

 

**Anton Day** _@antyouglad_

Wait wait wait, im confused. I thought they were just friends?? #bruman #bayne #help

 

**Theresa Davis** _@mothertheresa_

@antyouglad you come here and say that to my face! *fist emoji*

 

* * *

 

 

**Bruce Wayne** _@brucewayne_

_[Link to the article from the Gotham Gazette]_

@vikkivale I appreciate the attention as much as the next man, but I’m afraid I have no idea where you got the idea that I know the Batman, on any level.

 

**Vikki Vale** _@vikkivale_

@brucewayne I’d love to apologise, but the evidence doesn’t lie!

_[Picture of Batman leaving the Wayne Manor, similar to the one featured by the Gazette, only from a different angle]_

**Dick Grayson** _@itdbetooeasy_

_[Gif of a woman crying, captioned ‘it’s so beautiful’]_

OMG guys #bayne is totally canon!!! :3 #squee #itscanon #happydays

 

**Bruce Wayne** _@brucewayne_

@itsbetooeasy Dick, please come home. We need to talk.

 

* * *

 

 

**Victor Baker** _@bake2victory_

@itdbetooeasy @wtfrichard wait did he just????

**Julie Richards** _@wtfrichard_

_[Gif of a man shovelling popcorn into his mouth]_

@itsbetooeasy @bake2victory holy shit you’re in troubleeeeeeeeeeee #itstotallycanontho #confirmation !! oh my goddddd

 

**Anton Day** _@antyouglad_

Lmao but do we really trust his judgement??? #itssketchy #ilovehimbut

 

**Julie Richards** _@wtfrichard_

@antyouglad NooooO! I was having such a good time ignoring that fact #shutup

 

* * *

 

 

**Wayne – Batman Conference**

_1,600,758 views_

_7.8k likes, 200 dislikes_

_[Opens to a small gathering of reporters, obviously hand chosen, all practically vibrating with anticipation. To one side Bruce Wayne can be seen with his son, Timothy Drake, before he visibly sighs and moves to start his impromptu conference]_

“As I’m sure many of you know, my name is Bruce Wayne,” he starts. A few weak titters from the crowd. Most of them can feel his awkwardness, and want to get on to the gossip. He shuffles slightly, coughing.

“And I would like to reiterate that I do not, in fact, know the Batman.”

Nobody believes him. To his left, Tim facepalms.

“What about the pictures?” A brave reporter cries amid the chatter.

“Ah,” Wayne starts. “That. That was not Batman.” Wayne deadpans.

“Then who was it?”

“Not Batman.”

“Yes, but then who wa-“

“And, that’s enough for today!” Drake bursts in, looking in equal parts ashamed of his father, and amused.

“But its only been five minutes-“

“Yeah, well. You know! He has papers to sign, people to meet, etcetera.”

“People like Batman?” A different one pipes up. The Waynes don’t even acknowledge that they heard.

“…”

“That wasn’t a no.”

 

* * *

 

 

**Anita Cruz** _@anitabobanita_

_There wasn’t denial at the #bayne conference!!! #bruman #youcantstopme_

**_Anton Day_** @antyouglad

_[Gif of a woman crying, mouthing ‘thank you God’]_

Nobody was surprised at this development, ever #thewaynes #bayne

 

**Julie Richards** _@wtfrichard_

@antyouglad @anitabobanita I mean its not direct approval but ill take it

 

 **Victor Baker** _@bake2victory_

HEY GUYS HOLD EVERYTHING WE CAN GET CONFIRMATION I SWEAR #bayne #bearwithme #evilgenius

 

**Victor Baker** _@bake2victory_

@antyouglad waiiiit;;;; for;;;; it;;;;;; #imcackling #comeonguys

 

**Victor Baker** _@bake2victory_

@jasontoddlives RAISE US FROM PERDITION

 

**Jason Todd** _@jasontoddlives_

_[Gif of Captain America nodding, captioned ‘I understood that reference’]_

@bake2victory man its 100% canon #gowild #fuckthis #fuckyoubruce #bayne

 

**Anton Day** _@antyouglad_

@jasontoddlives @bake2victory HOLY SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT #bayneconfirmed!!!!

 

**Anita Cruz** _@anitabobanita_

_[Gif of a crowd screaming, a girl near the front sobbing empathetically]_

@jasontoddlives I just want to thank you and the academy and god

 

**Bruce Wayne** _@brucewayne_

@jasontoddlives Jason, please come home. We need to talk.

 

**Tim Drake** _@timtodie_

@brucewayne OOoooh you’re recycling tweets now, know what that means @jasontoddlives?? >:) #hessodead

 

**Dick Grayson** _@itdbetooeasy_

@jasontoddlives you’re in troubleeeeee!!!!

 

**Bruce Wayne** _@brucewayne_

@itdbetooeasy You haven’t come home yet, either. You still owe me a conversation.

 

**Theresa Davis** _@mothertheresa_

Does anyone else feel like they just watched a real-time death warrant???

 

**Julie Richards** _@wtfrichard_

@mothertheresa oh ya, they’re dead #ripthewaynes @timtodie im so sorry for your loss

 

**Tim Drake** _@timtodie_

@wtfrichard lol im not

 

* * *

 

 

**Gotham Gazette – Batman/Wayne Scandal Confirmed**

_1,501,674 hits_

**By Vikki Vale**

_[Another clipping from the online edition of the Gotham Gazette, again making front page news. Still rightly terrifying]_

It was just another day in Gotham, seeming to be just another dull, monotonous grind through life, when a tweet by Bruce Wayne’s own son, Jason Todd, went viral. He supported previous claims of his father’s relationship with Gotham’s own caped crusader, later adding that ‘it was super obvious anyway’, and, ‘oh yeah, they’re both super gay. Go LGBT rights!’. His brother, Dick Grayson, was quoted as saying ‘I don’t get why Jay gets all the fuss, I said it first!’. Not wishing to burst his bubble, I wisely said nothing.

 

* * *

 

 

**Paul Byrns** _@firebyrns_

Oh hey yeah! Why were we ignoring dick @itdbetooeasy????

**Damian Wayne** _@onetrueheir_

@firebyrns because we don’t want a repeat of last year’s fiasco #obviously

****

**Paul Byrns** _@firebyrns_

@onetrueheir wait what happened last year??? #mystery

 

**Victor Baker** _@bake2victory_

@firebyrns, @itdbetooeasy went along with @vikkivale and pretended that @timtodie was getting married #oops

 

**Tim Drake** _@timtodie_

@bake2victory @firebyrns o shit I almost forgot about that

**Dick Grayson** _@itdbetooeasy_

@timtodie does that mean you forgive me????? :O

**Tim Drake** _@timtodie_

@itdbetooeasy who are you and why are you messaging me? #creep #blocked

 

* * *

 

**Bruce Wayne** _@brucewayne_

I would just like to state, once and for all, that I am not in a secret relationship with Batman.

 

**Jason Todd** _@jasontoddlives_

@brucewayne Sounds like something someone in a secret relationship with #Batman would say

**Dick Grayson** _@itdbetooeasy_

@jasontoddlives Hmmmm, you’re right. Sounds almost…. Suspicious O.o

**Bruce Wayne** _@brucewayne_

@jasontoddlives @itdbetooeasy Boys, stop. I am absolutely, undeniably not in a relationship with Batman.

 

**Jason Todd** _@jasontoddlives_

@brucewayne Woahhhh buddy! You sound very harsh. Almost like… You have a problem with the relationship???

**Bruce Wayne** _@brucewayne_

@jasontoddlives Whatever you’re insinuating, stop now. Or you’re grounded.

**Tim Drake** _@timtodie_

@jasontoddlives STOPPP! I see where you’re going and I stg I cannot handle that much damage control

**Damian Wayne** _@onetrueheir_

@timtodie ???

**Jason Todd** _@jasontoddlives_

@timtodie sorry replacement. But I can’t blame ya. I guess ya got it from living with a;;;

**Tim Drake** _@timtodie_

@jasontoddlives DON’T YOU DARE #isweartojesus

**Jason Todd** _@jasontoddlives_

@timtodie hOmOpHoBe!!!!!!!! #redalert #scandal

**Bruce Wayne** _@brucewayne_

@jasontoddlives What? Jason, you know that isn’t true!

**Vikki Vale** _@vikkivale_

@jasontoddlives Oh? What’s this? #scandal

**Dick Grayson** _@itdbetooeasy_

@jasontodd Now that you mention it he does seem awfully defensive O.o

 

**Jason Todd** _@jasontoddlives_

@itdbetooeasy Like he’s hiding something!! I wonder what it could be… #isittrue?

**Vikki Vale** _@vikkivale_

The shocking truth! Is Gotham’s darling socialite truly homophobic? #scandal #readitandweep

**Bruce Wayne** _@brucewayne_

@vikkivale No! Of course I’m not!

**Vikki Vale** _@vikkivale_

@brucewayne hm…

**Jason Todd** _@jasontoddlives_

_@brucewayne hmm…_

**Dick Grayson** _@itdbetooeasy_

_@brucewaynce hmmm…_

**Bruce Wayne** _@brucewayne_

I promise I’m not! Homophobia is abhorrent! @jasontoddlives @itdbetooeasy Stop this at once!

 

**Jason Todd** _@jasontoddlives_

@brucewayne That’s exactly what a homophobe would say! #coulditbe??

**Bruce Wayne** _@brucewayne_

@jasontoddlives Please, stop this nonsense! Batman just isn’t my type.

 

**Stephanie Brown** _@freakinfightme_

@brucewayne He’s not??? #batmanisabear #bruceisntintothat #brucewaynelikestwinks #itsofficial

**Tim Drake** _@timtodie_

@freakinfightme STEPH NO

**Jason Todd** _@jasontoddlives_

@freakinfightme STEPH YES

**Bruce Wayne** _@brucewayne_

@freakinfightme Stephanie, I’m not into ‘twinks’ either. Stop.

**Dick Grayson** _@itdbetooeasy_

@brucewayne :)) Oh my god did you just use the word twink???? #imdying #holyshit #thisisgreat

**Jason Todd** _@jasontoddlives_

@brucewayne So if it ain’t twinks… #hmmmm #masterdetective

**Tim Drake** _@timtodie_

@jasontoddlives no stOP!! #therewillbe #somuch #FREAKING #PAPERWORK

**Jason Todd** _@jasontoddlives_

@brucewayne So it IS homophobia?? #imoffended #imgayandimoffended

 

**Dick Grayson** _@itdbetooeasy_

 @brucewayne are you silencing us???? >8( REVEAL THE TRUTH!! #imgayandimoffended

**Bruce Wayne** _@brucewayne_

@itdbetooeasy So you want me to admit that I’m secretly dating Batman instead?

**Dick Grayson** _@itdbetooeasy_

@brucewayne GASSSSPPP! Was that a confession???? @jasontoddlives @vikkivale

 

**Vikki Vale** _@vikkivale_

@itdbetooeasy I think it was! #headlinestomorrow #fameiscoming

**Bruce Wayne** _@brucewayne_

@vikkivale Wait, no!

**Jason Todd** _@jasontoddlives_

@brucewayne more denial! Maybe it IS the homophobia??  #stillgay #stilloffended

**Bruce Wayne** _@brucewayne_

@jasontoddlives I’m not a homophobic person, for Christ’s sake!

**Dick Grayson** _@itdbetooeasy_

@brucewayne So you ARE dating Batman?????

**Bruce Wayne** _@brucewayne_

@itdbetooeasy What?

 

**Jason Todd** _@jasontoddlives_

@brucewayne Pick your answer wisely, old man!

_[Gif of a command centre, voiced over and captioned, ‘Ladies and gentlemen – we’ve got him’]_

**Vikki Vale** _@vikkivale_

@jasontodd seconded #imready #thetruthiscoming

**Bruce Wayne** _@brucewayne_

@vikkivale I… Am in a relationship with… Him.

 

**Dick Grayson** _@itdbetooeasy_

@brucewayne With who Bruce????? #gottabespecific

 

**Bruce Wayne** _@brucewayne_

@vikkivale … With Batman.

**Tim Drake** _@timtodie_

@itdbetooeasy I hate you.

 

**Vikki Vale** _@vikkivale_

@brucewayne Oh my goodness! Such a brazen confession, with almost no outside influence! #itstrue! You heard it here first, folks! #bayneiscanon #official

 

 **Bruce Wayne** @brucewayne

@jasontoddlives @itdbetooeasy Jason, Dick. Please come home. You both owe me a conversation.

 

**Jason Todd** _@jasontoddlives_

@itdbetooeasy @timtodie @onetrueheir *highfives* #success

**Dick Grayson** _@itdbetooeasy_

@jasontoddlives *highfives back* :3 #success

**Tim Drake** _@timtodie_

@jasontoddlives @itdbetooeasy @onetrueheir I acc hate u all #disowningyou

**Damian Wayne** _@onetrueheir_

@timtodie What did I do to you, Drake?! #imgayandimoffended

 

**Tim Drake** _@timtodie_

@onetrueheir YOURE NOT EVEN USING THAT RIGHT

* * *

 

 

**Gotham Gazette – The Truth Will Out!**

_1,329,738 hits_

**By Vikki Vale**

_[Yet another section taken from the online edition of the Gotham Gazette. The title takes up half the page, with obvious excitement and enthusiasm.]_

Dear readers, it is a sad fact that many important questions in life go unanswered. But while we don’t know what the meaning of life is, or how to get red wine off a lace-based dress, I can, in all honesty and good will, inform you that our two local celebrities, Bruce Wayne and the Batman, are dating!

It’s a monumental day for Gotham and the progression of LGBT rights, especially following claims from internet users who, per their requests, will remain nameless, that Bruce Wayne was a homophobe.

I am thrilled by this news, as I’m sure many of you are too. Let us wish the couple many happy years of love and affection!

 

_[Unsurprisingly, there is no mention of Bruce Wayne’s hesitation on disclosing the information, and no reference to those who helped her gain it anyway. It still makes readers uneasy. It remains terrifying]_

* * *

 

 

**Theresa Davis** _@mothertheresa_

That wasn’t a death warrant, he’s gonna full on force them to go casket hunting #ohgod #ripthewaynes

**Anita Cruz** _@anitabobanita_

@mothertheresa f

**Victor Baker** _@bake2victory_

@mothertheresa f

**Clark Kent** _@ogfarmboy_

@brucewayne I just checked my feed what the hell happened?!? #ohgosh #what

**Clark Kent** _@ogfarmboy_

@brucewayne …

**Clark Kent** _@ogfarmboy_

@mothertheresa f 

****

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for making it this far! Lmao it took 13 pages on word and its still only 2000 words. This format is out of whack
> 
> Kudos and Commenting make me very happy! (ooooh that sounded desperate lmaoooo)
> 
> Also: homophobia is horrible, etc. We all know this, so does Jason. He's just a little shit, so please don't come at me for it! :(


End file.
